the last time i posted here i was all suicidal or something o.o
now i'm all happy nd stuff. LOL yay for tumblr !
sorry blogspot, you will always be in my heart <3
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
i feel so alone sometimes. like i have no one. i've been told that there are a lot of people out there who care about me, that ive got friends to go to when i need them. and like dabbie said, i'm the one pushing them away. but why ? and how can i stop ? its like the girl hannah in thirteen reasons why. she pushed everyone away too, everyone who cared, like clay. except, yaknow, i didnt make out with anyone lol. but idk, i just feel like i can relate to her so well. which is totally not a good thing becuhs she killed herself ! i'm scared D: like seriously. the more i think about it, the worse it gets. somebody help me D: but no, therapy wont help lol. seriously, i think i know myself well enough to know that therapy will do me no good. itll just piss me off more :D
whatevs. hung out with my mei today :) TALKED ABOUT BOYS, AS USUAL. BAHAHAH
as you can tell, i'm doing A LITTLE better. dude. basketball practice today. i'm proud of myself cuhs i did well :) i made 9 points ! :D yeah, thats more than i ever made before cuhs i suck haha. but yeah.
AND THEN. vbs was just whatevers. BUT THEN. we went to kingswood for hot pot after ! haha it was so good. but my stomach kinda hurts right now cuhs i ate too much and i have practice tomorrow morning, and a wedding rehearsal..then i have to buy shoes and do my nails, WHICH TAKES FOREVER. then vbs and MORE FOOD after. fatterness, here i come !
gnights, y'all
love, lyd <3
whatevs. hung out with my mei today :) TALKED ABOUT BOYS, AS USUAL. BAHAHAH
as you can tell, i'm doing A LITTLE better. dude. basketball practice today. i'm proud of myself cuhs i did well :) i made 9 points ! :D yeah, thats more than i ever made before cuhs i suck haha. but yeah.
AND THEN. vbs was just whatevers. BUT THEN. we went to kingswood for hot pot after ! haha it was so good. but my stomach kinda hurts right now cuhs i ate too much and i have practice tomorrow morning, and a wedding rehearsal..then i have to buy shoes and do my nails, WHICH TAKES FOREVER. then vbs and MORE FOOD after. fatterness, here i come !
gnights, y'all
love, lyd <3
Thursday, June 24, 2010
lyfe.
basketball. i tried to quit. but bobby says he doesnt want me to quit. so i didnt quit..yet. coach carr says all the juniors have to try out for varsity, but i dont want to be on varsity. i'd rather be with bobby. most people hate him, but he's my favorite. i wonder if he knows.
vbs. i know its wrong to feel this way, but i dont wanna go anymore. i'm so caught up with the rest of my life, i cant concentrate. i never get enough sleep in the first place, and on top of that, basketball makes me so tired. my time to prepare is my time on the car. i always say the wrong things, my class hates me. and the teachers give me this look, like, wtf did you really just do that ?! i'm horrible. i cried today becuhs of them. thanks guys.
and i'm starting to cry right now.
missions trip. there are so many people. so many schedules to work around. people leaving the country like next week, people with basketball practice, people who are busy one day with someone else busy the next. so i sent out this email with a proposed schedule that seemed to work for me. cuhs everyone else, the supposed "leaders" were not doing anything. they would all say, "we'll let you know when its gonna be". and when are you gonna let us know ? i figured, i'm in everything, and my schedule's the one everyone has to work around, so why not have me make a schedule that works for me, and ask if everyones okay with it ? since the leaders arent taking the initiative, nothings ever gonna get done. by the time they get it out, its too late. so why dont i just do it now ? so i did it. i sent out a schedule, and my response is that i'm disrespectful. for not asking the leaders first. all i was doing was gathering info. trying to see if my schedule worked. if my schedule did not work, fine, that's okay. its just that it seemed as though it would work, and there pretty much was no other way. and if i had just asked the leaders, there would be this long tedious process in which they disagree with me becuhs they think they're better than me and that they're right and i'm wrong when in fact, i'm pretty much right. i'm sorry, i'm just bitter right now. i'm not saying i'm better than them. i'm just saying i do not believe i was wrong in doing what i did. my father, one of the leaders, gave me permission to send out the email. so i did it. and everyone who's replied so far is fine with it. there. problem solved. you're welcome.
wedding. i'm honored to be a part of it. thank you for wanting me to be a part of it. but with dorothy all up in my grill about looking pretty and matching, i really dont want to do it anymore. after all, we're only candle lighters. i honestly dont think we have to match. i dont need makeup. i can do my own hair. i can do my own nails. i can buy my own shoes. and i dont have to look like you. plus, its time out of my life in which i would have had time for a meeting for the missions trip. i'm sorry, livy. its just that, in my life, you chose a bad time. but thank you. once again, i'm honored. i'm just a little stressed out is all. in fact, i'm a lot stressed out.
hangouts. yeah i've been planning hangouts amongst all of this chaos. i have no time to study or prepare for anything. but i need some fun in my life yaknow ? or else i'm gonna end up doing something i'm gonna regret. but its so hard, with everything else going on. i miss being at home doing nothing.
i know, i know, i complain too much. yeah i know, its all my fault, i brought this upon myself. i've been told countless times. well i dont really care, okay ? this blog is where i vent, regardless of whether people read it or not. my many months of not being on tumblr has made it weird to be on tumblr. so i post here.
my brother's not helping. he's so selfish with his time. never wants to give me a ride to anywhere. becuhs he didnt wanna give me a ride at 4 today, i had the worst day in the whole wide world. i dont feel like going into details. i understand that he has his own life and that no one would wanna give me rides as much as he actually gives me rides. but still. what are you gonna do ? yeah, sometimes you go out. like..once in a blue moon. what do you do the other days ? sleep in until 2-3pm and play online games or with your ds until 2am. you're just too lazy and annoyed to give me rides. but whatever, thanks for the rides youve given me.
so i'm currently reading this book. its not jane eyre cuhs my brother wont let me buy it cuhs he claims he has it, he just cant find it. but he wont let me buy it cuhs he doesnt wanna waste money. how do you expect me to finish by the end of summer ?! -_- whatever. so i'm reading this book. its about suicide. i'm not reading it cuhs i'm considering suicide or anything, just that i bought it a while ago and i never read it so i'm reading it now. funny thing is, i feel like i can relate to the girl who committed suicide. isnt that hilarious ? the book is called thirteen reasons why by jay asher. thirteen reasons why she killed herself. on the car on the way home i was thinking, i'd have a lot more than thirteen reasons. but dont flip out, i wont kill myself. the books lying open on my pillow right now. i stopped reading becuhs i wanted to blog. when i talk to people, they dont know whats going on inside my head. how much i want someone to understand me, what i'm going through. they think i'm just talking about my life, simple as that, nothing deeper. its okay, i understand, everyone's mostly concerned about their own lives, or they just werent raised to notice when someone feels the way i do. i've been depressed for a while now. years, actually. i really dont think i'm gonna commit suicide or anything. but..the girl in the book kept telling herself she didnt want to either. reading a book about suicide is totally not what i should be doing right now. cuhs if i wasnt reading it, i dont think i'd be having these thoughts. or at least, not like this. this is scary. just like that spider on carol's bed today. but all she did was laugh when i screamed. and katie said she'd do the same. people who dont have arachnophobia dont understand someone who does. all they do is laugh, and wonder why we're so scared. answer is, i dont know why, i just am. so stop laughing at me, cuhs i'm sure you're scared of something too. nobody's fearless.
i think i'm crazy. jussayin'. i'm gonna stop blogging now. i might go read or something. i'm hoping to see my mei tomorrow. and it was nice seeing kevin today, just wish he were happier. miss youu <3
- lyd
vbs. i know its wrong to feel this way, but i dont wanna go anymore. i'm so caught up with the rest of my life, i cant concentrate. i never get enough sleep in the first place, and on top of that, basketball makes me so tired. my time to prepare is my time on the car. i always say the wrong things, my class hates me. and the teachers give me this look, like, wtf did you really just do that ?! i'm horrible. i cried today becuhs of them. thanks guys.
and i'm starting to cry right now.
missions trip. there are so many people. so many schedules to work around. people leaving the country like next week, people with basketball practice, people who are busy one day with someone else busy the next. so i sent out this email with a proposed schedule that seemed to work for me. cuhs everyone else, the supposed "leaders" were not doing anything. they would all say, "we'll let you know when its gonna be". and when are you gonna let us know ? i figured, i'm in everything, and my schedule's the one everyone has to work around, so why not have me make a schedule that works for me, and ask if everyones okay with it ? since the leaders arent taking the initiative, nothings ever gonna get done. by the time they get it out, its too late. so why dont i just do it now ? so i did it. i sent out a schedule, and my response is that i'm disrespectful. for not asking the leaders first. all i was doing was gathering info. trying to see if my schedule worked. if my schedule did not work, fine, that's okay. its just that it seemed as though it would work, and there pretty much was no other way. and if i had just asked the leaders, there would be this long tedious process in which they disagree with me becuhs they think they're better than me and that they're right and i'm wrong when in fact, i'm pretty much right. i'm sorry, i'm just bitter right now. i'm not saying i'm better than them. i'm just saying i do not believe i was wrong in doing what i did. my father, one of the leaders, gave me permission to send out the email. so i did it. and everyone who's replied so far is fine with it. there. problem solved. you're welcome.
wedding. i'm honored to be a part of it. thank you for wanting me to be a part of it. but with dorothy all up in my grill about looking pretty and matching, i really dont want to do it anymore. after all, we're only candle lighters. i honestly dont think we have to match. i dont need makeup. i can do my own hair. i can do my own nails. i can buy my own shoes. and i dont have to look like you. plus, its time out of my life in which i would have had time for a meeting for the missions trip. i'm sorry, livy. its just that, in my life, you chose a bad time. but thank you. once again, i'm honored. i'm just a little stressed out is all. in fact, i'm a lot stressed out.
hangouts. yeah i've been planning hangouts amongst all of this chaos. i have no time to study or prepare for anything. but i need some fun in my life yaknow ? or else i'm gonna end up doing something i'm gonna regret. but its so hard, with everything else going on. i miss being at home doing nothing.
i know, i know, i complain too much. yeah i know, its all my fault, i brought this upon myself. i've been told countless times. well i dont really care, okay ? this blog is where i vent, regardless of whether people read it or not. my many months of not being on tumblr has made it weird to be on tumblr. so i post here.
my brother's not helping. he's so selfish with his time. never wants to give me a ride to anywhere. becuhs he didnt wanna give me a ride at 4 today, i had the worst day in the whole wide world. i dont feel like going into details. i understand that he has his own life and that no one would wanna give me rides as much as he actually gives me rides. but still. what are you gonna do ? yeah, sometimes you go out. like..once in a blue moon. what do you do the other days ? sleep in until 2-3pm and play online games or with your ds until 2am. you're just too lazy and annoyed to give me rides. but whatever, thanks for the rides youve given me.
so i'm currently reading this book. its not jane eyre cuhs my brother wont let me buy it cuhs he claims he has it, he just cant find it. but he wont let me buy it cuhs he doesnt wanna waste money. how do you expect me to finish by the end of summer ?! -_- whatever. so i'm reading this book. its about suicide. i'm not reading it cuhs i'm considering suicide or anything, just that i bought it a while ago and i never read it so i'm reading it now. funny thing is, i feel like i can relate to the girl who committed suicide. isnt that hilarious ? the book is called thirteen reasons why by jay asher. thirteen reasons why she killed herself. on the car on the way home i was thinking, i'd have a lot more than thirteen reasons. but dont flip out, i wont kill myself. the books lying open on my pillow right now. i stopped reading becuhs i wanted to blog. when i talk to people, they dont know whats going on inside my head. how much i want someone to understand me, what i'm going through. they think i'm just talking about my life, simple as that, nothing deeper. its okay, i understand, everyone's mostly concerned about their own lives, or they just werent raised to notice when someone feels the way i do. i've been depressed for a while now. years, actually. i really dont think i'm gonna commit suicide or anything. but..the girl in the book kept telling herself she didnt want to either. reading a book about suicide is totally not what i should be doing right now. cuhs if i wasnt reading it, i dont think i'd be having these thoughts. or at least, not like this. this is scary. just like that spider on carol's bed today. but all she did was laugh when i screamed. and katie said she'd do the same. people who dont have arachnophobia dont understand someone who does. all they do is laugh, and wonder why we're so scared. answer is, i dont know why, i just am. so stop laughing at me, cuhs i'm sure you're scared of something too. nobody's fearless.
i think i'm crazy. jussayin'. i'm gonna stop blogging now. i might go read or something. i'm hoping to see my mei tomorrow. and it was nice seeing kevin today, just wish he were happier. miss youu <3
- lyd
Monday, June 14, 2010
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