haven't posted in a week

so busy. so stressed. so confused.

mkay so, there's something i think i need to say. i'm not gonna tell you about this. you can read it if you see it, whether you just wanna read my blog, or if he sees it first and tells you to read it. or you could just not see it, and not read it. or see it and not read it. whatever

not including the last couple of months, these past more than three years have been a blast. all throughout alvarado, and my first year at rowland, she's been there for me, every step of the way. it all began in sixth grade, us and our advanced math, gosh. the year flew by and i didn't talk to you becuhs well, i wasn't "allowed" to. summer came a long, and i was talking to thexfatxpig on aim with my first sn ever : cuteaznpride. we talked and we talked, and we got really close. she was pretty much my closest friend that summer, i told her everything, from enoch to wilber to willie to my summer, to, pretty much, life. and that's when it all started, 2006. i went to china that summer, and was there for about a month and a half. missed her a lot while i was gone, but when i came back, i'm pretty sure things were the same. unlike another situation that i'm not going to discuss right now. but anyways, as august 2006 slowly approached, i was excited for school. excited to see all my friends again, excited to finally be at the same school as this y0sunshineexx that's just so good at brightening up my day. i don't quite remember how many classes we had together, but i know forsure yearbook with delia and science with moreno were two. she taught me how to play minesweeper that year, and i got really good at it too. she laughed in that class, oh so much. she complained to me about moreno, how much he hated her and got her in trouble and pissed her off like no other. she was there for me february 2007 when i met him. she was there when i got with him, when he broke up with me in may, when we got back together, and when he broke up with me once again that june. she was there for me when i needed a shoulder to lean on. she brought me up every time i was down. she was there for me when i was hurt and confused. 8th grade came along, we only had one class together. she enduring all my obsessive talk with that one "cute" guy. i told her about the first time i ever talked to him, she was there through all the staring. i remember being on the phone with her that november, 2007. it was a saturday night, and i was asking her whether or not i should tell him how i feel. i told her everything that happened when i did tell him. how my heart was beating at 107842079318472 beats per second or whatever, how my hands were shaking ferociously, how i didn't know exactly what to say. how he asked me to winterformal, but told me he only liked me as a friend. i told her everything that happened four days later, when he told me that he liked me too. she was there for me through it all. she linked our arms for the first time. i told her about the first time we held hands. i told her about how i loved the way he held me. i told her about the closet, and the park. i told her when i had my first kiss. she was there for me when i had to leave for china for the second time. and she was there for me when i came back. she was there when he and i were happy, and she was there when things weren't going so well. she was there for me in august on 2008, when all i could do was cry, and in september, when it was all over. she was there for the next few months, when i was depressed. this is now my first year of high school. we had no classes together. but what does that matter, she was still my best friend. we hung out every day at lunch, usually with my twin. she was there for me when i had that "magical hug", even though she'd make fun of me all the time. she was there for me when that ended too. she was there when i started liking the senior. and she was there when i started liking another one. i remember on some saturday nights, my computer would be off, and i'd just sit on my bed and call her, just to talk. she'd have to go after a while, but that was okay, at least we got to catch up a little bit. i remember her fourteenth birthday at hometown buffet. i couldn't make it, and i sat at the basketball court at church, crying and on the phone. they kept telling me, stop crying lyd, stop crying. at least i saw her for two seconds at the mall. she was the first to call me lyd, and at first, the only. then everyone started calling me lyd. she was there for me through all my mood swings and my change of personalities every year. though the changes in my style, the changes in my typing as well. i remember walking her to the bus stop every day at alvarado, and sitting there on the grass with her, talking about our lives and our boys. i remember our double dates to jack in the box and to the library. those were always fun. i remember going to the mall with her once, maybe twice. and her coming to my house for that math project. her coming to my house to make hearts out of expired candy for our boys. i don't know what happened to the one i gave him. all these good memories, seems like most are from our middle school days. just as everyone matures at different rates, grows up to become different people, i feel like that's what happened to us. it all started last year, when i became a busybee. i wasn't always there at lunch, always had some sort of club meeting. i spent less time on the phone with her, i had too much homework to do. i went out a lot with the seniors, she wasn't exactly too happy about that, she thought i did it way too much. but i never listened. i wanted things my own way, and she wished for me to do things her way. that's what happens when you deal with human beings. those selfish brats, like me. i don't know what's happening anymore. things have changed, a lot. she's gone her way, i've gone my way. what happened to BFFLTD ? i know it's not her, it's me. i keep making excuses, to not im her, to not call her on saturday nights when my computer isn't on, to not hang out with her when it's just her and him. there's so many things i haven't told her, so many things she doesn't know about me anymore. i want things to go back to the way they were before, but i know it's not going to happen. i want our friendship to be the same as it always was, but it's not just going to happen with a snap or in the blink of an eye. i know we need to work towards what we used to be, but i'm not sure if both of us want to, or if both of us are willing to. i'm tired of being so confused, and not knowing who i can always go to. i miss having her always there for me, i miss the phone calls and the talks when he wasn't around. i miss knowing exactly who to call when i need something, i miss know exactly who it is my best friend really is. i miss her, and i miss what we had back then. and i'm really sorry for being what i've been. and now she's mad at me.

i don't remember the last time i told her i love her