& you. i just don't know what to say to / about you anymore. is it really over ? cuhs it sure seems like it..











chreeeeeeestopheryu. hi :) good to see you again ! LOLOLL but i hope "see you next year" is just in case i don't see you before next year's tennis game -_- LOL btw, i hate you for beating us.

"don't worry about it"

how can i not worry about it, when things abruptly changed one day, and i have no idea why ? is it just me, am i overthinking it all, or is what i'm feeling all really not a lie ? i'm tired of having to deal with this, cuhs you're one of the best guy friends i've ever had. i wanna go back to what it was like before you knew anything. i'm getting over you, maybe that'll help. but i just really don't know what to do about it anymore. we need to talk.

& you. i thought we were friends. why are you fucking doing this to me ?! you should know how i feel. either you're just freakin' dumbshit or you don't give a fuck. ugh, idk what i'm supposed to do.

okay, i'm gonna stop talking to you.

ugh you're so annoying sometimes. you freaking piss me off

ugh

my day started out a little off, but it was fine. then i got annoyed. then things got better. i made some pretty bad decisions today. but i had fun at the hospital. after that, i guess things started going downhill. & now i'm in a bad mood. fml.

being at the hospital was the best part of my day. how ironic -_-
feel better, kevin <3

where are things going with us ? after more than 3 years of being bestfriends, is this really all falling apart ? for real this time ? whatever happened to BFFLTD, and everything else that went with it ?
i'm tired of not talking to you. but it's just so freakin' awkward and when i wanna talk, idk what to say. you leave without giving me a chance to talk to you. are you trying to get me to try harder ? or are you finally through with dealing with a girl like me ? i'm sorry i'm so selfish, but idk what else to say. is it that you're done with me, and you're glad that we're not talking ? becuhs i can't tell whether you want me back or not. just want you to know that i miss you. & i guess that's it for now.

longest post in a while.

i thought you'd be here for me.
last time when i told you that i had no one to talk to about my problems, no one to tell everything to, you said that i could talk to you. but like i've said so many times before, actions speak louder than words. you tell people that i'm a good friend. but what i see from you is different. how am i supposed to know that you actually care about me when all i see is ignorance and insensitivity ? when you're always talking to everyone else around you except for me. all i want is to be your friend, i'm not hoping for anything more. but it's so hard to talk to you like a friend when i know that you don't see me as just a regular friend, when i know that you see me as "the girl who likes you" or something in the like. how am i supposed to talk to you about my problems when it seems to me like you don't really care ? you seem to enjoy talking to everyone, everyone except for me. & yet you're going around telling people that i'm a good friend. doesn't seem like you really feel that way..
i'm not quite sure what i want right now, cuhs what i really want deep inside is impossible. but my whole life is falling apart..again. and i just wanna talk to you. i wanna be able to tell you things that i can't tell anyone else, i wanna be able to go to you for advice knowing that you care. i'm tired of going around seeing you do the things you do cuhs it's really bugging the heck outta me. i guess the simplest solution is to just pull myself away from you, but i'm really not willing to. you're a great friend, and i mean that. but only when you treat me as just a friend. cuhs that's all i want it to be, nothing more, nothing less. i don't wanna lose you as a friend, and that's why i don't wanna stop talking to you. but trying to keep up this friendship is killing me, becuhs i can't tell if it's working. sometimes i'd just like to know what's going on inside your head. i'd like you to tell me how you feel sometimes. i feel like you're constantly lying to me. when i call you a liar, i guess i'm half joking. but deep down, i really feel like you're always lying to me. you keep everything from me, yeah, that's what someone does for a good friend right..idk. i guess it's just that you say things, and then you do different. it's hard for me to trust you now, even though you were one of the few people that i actually trusted. so i guess that's one down. ariel's really all i have. i guess you can say i've lost mariel. i'm no longer close to dabbie. brian isn't exactly what i need. ever since we started hanging out, i was hoping you'd be someone i could get close to, as a friend. but instead you got closer to everyone but me. so quickly. and here i am, waiting, and not getting what i'm waiting for. where is this all going ? i have no idea, but it's freaking pissing me off.
i'm really tired of lying to you. but you're not someone i can talk to about what's really wrong. cuhs i'm not sure if you'd understand, and i'm not sure how you'd react. every time you ask me, my real answer is "you". but i can't say that to you, can i ? yeah, my whole life is falling apart, along with everything in it. but it would at least be a bit better if things were better with you. i'm sick of this pain.
tired of trying so hard and getting absolutely nothing out of it. every high ends with a really low low. i thought my heart was broken enough in september 2008. but i guess it wasn't over then, and this organ in my body is just gonna keep deteriorating until i find the one that's right for me. yeah, i just wanna be friends, but it doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. and when the feelings are there but you keep hurting me, my heart still continues to crack. but i don't feel like my feelings should change anything between us. if we really were good friends, it shouldn't matter. i don't really know what i'm getting at anymore. i just want things between us to be good again.

have i lost my passion ?

have i lost my passion, my passion to sing
what is this feeling, what is this thing
i don't know where, i don't know why it's gone
its dying out, i thought it was a never ending song
oh please come back, i dearly miss you
without my passion, i don't know what to do
i miss the sound of melodies ringing in my ears
the feel of singing through smiles and through tears
this fear of losing it is so abrupt
but i'm not planning to give it up
i'll be singing til my life is over
i won't even stop if i find a three-leaf clover


...

LOL


LOL this is a pretty bad poem -_-
but i miss singing, i miss ALWAYS singing. i don't do it often anymore :(

you're not here

& i feel so alone.











missed you tonight.

just shut up.

i need a freaking break -_-


sometimes i just need to be left alone.



effing tired..

what's it gonna take

i'm tired of this bs we're going through








p.s. happy birthday karina hou <3

i like ring pops

i'm so cool. you know it 8]

hey you

today was, i think, probably, the first time in about a year and a half. i liked it. i mean, it was a little weird at first, but i'm glad i did it. i'm glad it turned out the way it did. idk why or how, but it came so naturally, like we'd never had the problem of not being able to talk to each other. and when i left, you looked me in the eyes, and you waved. i can't recall how long its been since i looked you in the eyes. since either of us COULD look each other in the eyes. but today it happened, and i'm sure as heck glad it did. idk where things will go from here, maybe we'll end up being friends again. hope so :)

and you. every day i want to try. but i always end up not trying. i'm scared of what you're going to say, i'm scared that you really are mad at me, that you're gonna yell at me, and that i'll stand there with nothing to say. i feel like what i feel is exactly what you don't want to hear. but i can't lie to you, i've never been able to. it's been so long, i don't understand why this is happening now. i thought we could look past all of our problems and still be there for each other, always. but i guess it's different this time. idk what's gonna happen, but i hope things work out for the best. i don't hang out with him becuhs i want him. i hang out with him becuhs he's a great friend, and a great guy. i don't wanna be anything more than friends, i just like spending time with him cuhs he's cool, he's fun, and to me he seems to be pretty carefree. i treat him as just a friend, whether or not he can tell. he's not the only reason i hang out with them, if you're thinking he is. jen's over there too, and danny's just so freaking hilarious, i gotta admit. whether i like him or not is besides the point in this situation right now, so i guess you have the wrong idea about it all. i'm sick of all the drama between us this year, i guess it was time for a getaway. i keep making excuses, but i know i can't run away forever. so what am i going to do ? i really don't know. but as of now, i just wanna be friends. just..friends. idk if we'll make it past everything life's throwing at us with the title "bestfriends". so much for bffltd ? i'm sorry.



imy.

peace outt
love, lyd <3

i have such mixed emotions

but right now i'm feeling like yeeeee :)

;alkdfj;laskdjf

一个人都没有

我的生活为什么那么惨 ：/你知道吗，我真得很喜欢你。喜欢你很久了。可是我觉得我真得受不了了，我知道我们永远都会这样。你永远会对我这样，对他们那样。你永远都不会喜欢我。那我为什么一直要有这样的感觉呢？我大概应该不在喜欢你了吧。我真不知道我该怎么办。我一直在希望你能喜欢我，不敢不再喜欢你了。但是我知道这个不是事实，你不会喜欢我的。我为什么要那么嫉妒？为什么不能就不管？我真的不知道我现在到底要干嘛。。

FML.

sorry bruce, but i really can't say it's not true.

i realize that

it's when i'm sitting here in front of the computer reading your blogspot that i realize just how long it's been and just how much you've changed and just how much i freakin' miss you.







btw, this isn't to anyone you think it is. LOL

drama

i despise it. can't stand it, i've had way too much of it.
but it just keeps coming back.

you, you're like one of my best friends. i tell you almost everything, except the little things that a girl like you just shouldn't know. but sometimes, the things you do really bug. i'm already in enough of a dilemma without you in it, but you're just making it worse, when you were the one person i'd go to when i needed help with this very same dilemma. i went to you time and time again until you yourself became the very problem that i now have to deal with without you. it's probably just the way you are and you can't help it, but i just can't help but feel the way i do about it. i don't wanna have to feel fake around you, but right now i feel like i have to. i know that the next time we're alone with time to talk, i'll probably end up talking to you about it. but i also know that all you'll do is defend yourself and say that i'm thinking too much, again. i don't know what to think anymore. cuhs i really don't feel that i'm wrong. like seriously, if someone else were in my shoes, they'd feel the same way too. now i'm head over heels in like with this guy and because of it, i can't feel the same about one of my best friends. i hate when things like this happen. i know that i shouldn't be blaming you, that i should find my own flaws. but i really can't think of any for this, except maybe that i'm thinking too much, which i probably am, but i'd still feel the same if i weren't thinking too much. girl, why you gotta be like this :/




knew from the start it'd be a bad week.