longest post in a while.

i thought you'd be here for me.
last time when i told you that i had no one to talk to about my problems, no one to tell everything to, you said that i could talk to you. but like i've said so many times before, actions speak louder than words. you tell people that i'm a good friend. but what i see from you is different. how am i supposed to know that you actually care about me when all i see is ignorance and insensitivity ? when you're always talking to everyone else around you except for me. all i want is to be your friend, i'm not hoping for anything more. but it's so hard to talk to you like a friend when i know that you don't see me as just a regular friend, when i know that you see me as "the girl who likes you" or something in the like. how am i supposed to talk to you about my problems when it seems to me like you don't really care ? you seem to enjoy talking to everyone, everyone except for me. & yet you're going around telling people that i'm a good friend. doesn't seem like you really feel that way..
i'm not quite sure what i want right now, cuhs what i really want deep inside is impossible. but my whole life is falling apart..again. and i just wanna talk to you. i wanna be able to tell you things that i can't tell anyone else, i wanna be able to go to you for advice knowing that you care. i'm tired of going around seeing you do the things you do cuhs it's really bugging the heck outta me. i guess the simplest solution is to just pull myself away from you, but i'm really not willing to. you're a great friend, and i mean that. but only when you treat me as just a friend. cuhs that's all i want it to be, nothing more, nothing less. i don't wanna lose you as a friend, and that's why i don't wanna stop talking to you. but trying to keep up this friendship is killing me, becuhs i can't tell if it's working. sometimes i'd just like to know what's going on inside your head. i'd like you to tell me how you feel sometimes. i feel like you're constantly lying to me. when i call you a liar, i guess i'm half joking. but deep down, i really feel like you're always lying to me. you keep everything from me, yeah, that's what someone does for a good friend right..idk. i guess it's just that you say things, and then you do different. it's hard for me to trust you now, even though you were one of the few people that i actually trusted. so i guess that's one down. ariel's really all i have. i guess you can say i've lost mariel. i'm no longer close to dabbie. brian isn't exactly what i need. ever since we started hanging out, i was hoping you'd be someone i could get close to, as a friend. but instead you got closer to everyone but me. so quickly. and here i am, waiting, and not getting what i'm waiting for. where is this all going ? i have no idea, but it's freaking pissing me off.
i'm really tired of lying to you. but you're not someone i can talk to about what's really wrong. cuhs i'm not sure if you'd understand, and i'm not sure how you'd react. every time you ask me, my real answer is "you". but i can't say that to you, can i ? yeah, my whole life is falling apart, along with everything in it. but it would at least be a bit better if things were better with you. i'm sick of this pain.
tired of trying so hard and getting absolutely nothing out of it. every high ends with a really low low. i thought my heart was broken enough in september 2008. but i guess it wasn't over then, and this organ in my body is just gonna keep deteriorating until i find the one that's right for me. yeah, i just wanna be friends, but it doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. and when the feelings are there but you keep hurting me, my heart still continues to crack. but i don't feel like my feelings should change anything between us. if we really were good friends, it shouldn't matter. i don't really know what i'm getting at anymore. i just want things between us to be good again.