i remember

when i was a little girl. yeah, i was pretty fat. i know what you're thinking : "WAS ?!" lmaoo yes, was. i was born 9 pounds 6 ounces. BIIIIIIIG baby. hahahahaha so uh, idk why i started out with that. hm, when i was a little girl, i didn't care what people thought about me. when i ate candy, i didn't think about diabetes. when i ate sandwiches, i didn't think about the carbs. when i ate fried chicken, i didn't care about the oil. i never cared much that my stomach was gimongous. nd yet now, it bothers me when i gain an inch around my waist, or when i gain a pound the next morning. when i was a little girl, i wore the clothes my parents picked out for me. i could care less about what i was wearing, as long as i had something to wear. i wouldn't spend like more than 100 bucks on clothes nd shoes in a month. i was never "in style" nd i didn't care much about following trends. but now, my parents buy me a shirt nd i look at it thinking, omg i'm not gonna wear that. i've spent almost $200 in one store in a couple of hours. i'm sitting here, wearing skinny jeans nd brand name clothes, nd i like to keep my hair the way everyone else's is, so they don't think i'm ugly. haha just pretend jen nd i never cut my bangs. i remember when i was a little girl, i never really cared much about what others thought about me. i just wanted to have fun, nd i did. but now, here i am, tryna please everyone around me. nd i can say that i'm not always myself. jack nd kevin used to say that i was too quiet, nd that mariel's so much more hyper than i am. i guess it's cuhs i never wanted to say the wrong thing or embarrass myself in front of them. but why do i care so much ? i have no idea. i mean, yeah, i am myself. it's just kinda censored, i guess i could say. so why do i care so much ? i have no idea. [yeah i know i said that already, but who cares.] maybe it's cuhs of the pressure this world gives us. how if you're not like the "cool" people, you're a social outcast. or how if you don't dress the way "cool" people do, or you don't do your hair the way they do, if you don't get plastic surgery or breast implants or uh, cute accessories, you're ugly. i have no idea why cute accessories is in there, i just wanted to say it. nd i know that this is major exaggeration, but what the world is today is major exaggeration of what i think the world should be. why is it so hard to be a non-conformist, or to say no to peer pressure, nd still be liked by those around you ? i wish i knew, cuhs then maybe i could do something about it. sometimes i wish i wasn't like everyone else. especially since the Bible says that christians should be unliked, cuhs we're not of the world. so why's it so hard to desire to be different ? why's it so easy to conform to those around you ? why does it come so naturally to want to be liked by your friends ? i have no idea. but i remember when these things weren't so important to me. i remember when high school wasn't in the picture, forcing these things on me, nd when our society didn't care about these things as much as it does now.