so here's what i'm thinkin' ;

here's what's on my mind. i'm just sick nd tired of my life, really i am. sometimes i just wanna stay at home nd sleep all day, at other times i just wanna run away. i wish things could go back to the way they used to be, when they were good.

so i'm goin' for historian for asb, no idea if i'll get it or not. nd kanow & jess, i'm really hopin' you guys get what you want with it.
i'm also goin' for show choir, nd i'm a bit apathetic to it all. if i don't make it, i'd probably be a bit whatevers about it, i might even be a bit relieved. but if i make it, i'm sure it'll be fun nd ima enjoy it, but who knows ?

all this shiz that i'm doin', why do i go through it all ? am i really just tryna make my life harder on myself than it already is ? cuhs if i go through with all the stuff i'm doin' nd if i make it through, by senior year i'll be in just about a bajillion clubs, basketball, choir, and asb. nd on top of it all, i'll be in freakin' honors. i feel like i'm tryna kill myself the hard way.

nd i'm goin' on a notsomuchadiet diet. cuhs i'm fat nd i needa lose weight.

ugh. all that uh..physical stuff i'm goin' through, all the school business, just the thought of it is killing me inside. but on top of that, i've got horrible time management & extremely severe ADD. not really, but i get distracted so freakin' easily, i don't know how i'm gonna get anything done. nd omg, procrastination. am i the queen of procrastination or what ? okay not really, but i'm pretty darn close. my life sucks.

maybe i love hangin' with the seniors so much cuhs they're so freakin' chill, nd when i'm with them i don't worry about all this stuff. chillin' with david, joan, jack, kevinhsu, kevinlim, tawnya, occasionally angela & christinakung, [sorry if i forgot anyone] it just kinda takes everything off my mind. or at least it used to.

now, we don't really jam as much as we used to, nd it's so freakin' awkward for me. it's not exactly hard for me to talk to him, but i just feel like i really don't know what to say anymore cuhs i have no clue what he's thinkin'. at least before, he didn't know. every time i talked to him, i could say anything i wanted cuhs i knew he probably wasn't thinkin' "whoa she likes me". but now, now i know he knows nd it just makes me crazy. i often wonder what he's thinkin', what he thinks of me. i'm scared, you know ? i'm scared he's freakin' annoyed of me, cuhs that's the outcome every freakin' time i like someone. what's freakin' wrong with me -_-

i just wanna get over him. i feel like i'm goin' back nd forth. one moment i like him, the next moment i'm not so sure. ask me again, yeah i like him, the next day i'm like eeh idk :/ i wish my answer could just be no. i wish i didn't like anyone, i've liked way too many guys this year nd i'm getting freakin' sick of it. but honestly, idk. idk if i prefer goin' from guy to guy but not feelin' too much pain, or stickin' on one guy for a year, then getting my heart crushed. i've been through both, nd i guess i'd say i prefer the second. thinkin' maybe one day it's gonna work out. but i know that that's not very likely for the time being.


God, will You please lighten my load ? i know i wouldn't deserve it, nd i know You wouldn't give me anything i couldn't handle, but i'm just so stressed out nd i feel like i'm about to break down, a g a i n . i'm scared, God. nd i need You, i need You now. i'm too weak to get through this on my own. nd i'm sorry for neglecting You, for feelin' like my time spent with You can be put off, cuhs i know it can't but i do it anyways. Lord, i'm sorry. will You please forgive me ?

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"In Your grace, You know where I walk
You know when I fall
You know all my ways
In Your love, I know You allow
What I cannot grasp
To bring You praise

Thank You for the trials
For the fire, for the pain
Thank You for the strength
Knowing You have ordained
Every day

Your great power is shown when I’m weak
You help me to see
Your love in this place
Perfect peace is filling my mind
And drawing my heart
To praise You again

In my uncertainty, Your Word is all I need
To know You’re with me every day"
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it's a great song, nd i'm feelin' it right now. God, please open my eyes so that i can see what i need to do. f o r Y o u.