last night

i didn't have too much time online cuhs my computer was being stupid nd i was being tired. but i did want to blog, however i couldn't. so instead, i decided to write in the diary i never had. hm, maybe i'll start. haha who knows. but here's my entry, nd i know that this is a subject i shouldn't touch on, since he follows my blog. but honestly, right now i don't really care.
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o4.o5.o9
Dear Diary,
i just re-read the letters that i haven't read in months. i don't know why, i just had this feeling that i wanted to take the time to read them over, reminisce maybe. two letters, one poem, two pages in a yearbook, two polaroid pictures. i realize every day that i miss him. mariel's gonna kill me when she sees this, but too bad. while reading the first letter (i read them in chronological order), the first think i noticed/the first thing that really caught my attention was the "1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you...1 way 2 say 3 words, that's what i'll do, i love you" haha that's actually from a song, not the letter. but the one thing that caught my eye was at the end of the letter. those four words: "i love you, lyd." i don't remember the last time i heard it from him genuinely. probably before i left for china. everything good was before i left. i realize that the man i wanna be with needs to have a willingness to wait for me. i go to china as much as every summer, if i can (from now on) because it's for God. He's done so much for me, the least i can do is repay Him. i can do that by going on missions trips to proclaim and share his love & mercy & grace. apparently kevin couldn't understand that, or even if he did, idk, something went wrong. the second letter was the letter that always made me cry. but funny thing, it didn't really this time. the one thing that made me really cry this time was one from after we broke up. the second yearbook entry or whatever. after reading all of these things, i realize that he's written a lot of things that i see now as just plain ol' BS. I know at the time he meant it, but now being where i am, looking back, a lot of the things he said about how he still wanted to be friends, how he'd always be there for me. what happened kevin ? you can't even look me in the eyes. i kinda DO want you to read that poem i wrote. you know, after reading all these things you've written to me in the past, i can't help but think, "love is a strong word." i feel that i did love you, but i also feel that it was too strong of a word for you to use. while reading the letters, i couldn't help but think, "it's all over now. he's with someone else." i still don't understand how you got over me & all over someone else so quickly if you really loved me as much as you claimed you did. just BS. lies, all lies. "bunch of crap", it all was, not just the yearbook entry. if you sense some anger/hatred, well you're getting the right idea. i know we were getting somewhere with trying to be friends. i was really happy when we were talking again, you don't even know. things seemed to be really good..on AIM/myspace. well i lived with it for a while, but i HATE how you can't freakin' look me in the eyes. i tried saying hi to you in person, and you just don't make eye contact. nd i feel that i don't care about talking to you online if you're not man enough to face your past & freaking look at me, at least just to say hi. what, is Danielle the only girl you look at? i don't think so. so why don't you just face your past & stop running away/avoiding it? please. i do want to be your friend. but it's just still so freakin' hard. i miss you kevin, so freakin' much you don't even know. & sometimes i really wish things could/would just go back. [added in right now: but i know they're not going to.]
-lyd <3
p.s. there are so many things we never did.
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well there's my first diary entry, nd it's kind of last night's blog entry, posted today. hahah idk
nd sorry, i was being really moody. still am. peace ouut !

. lyd ! <3