the last time i posted here i was all suicidal or something o.o
now i'm all happy nd stuff. LOL yay for tumblr !
sorry blogspot, you will always be in my heart <3
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
i feel so alone sometimes. like i have no one. i've been told that there are a lot of people out there who care about me, that ive got friends to go to when i need them. and like dabbie said, i'm the one pushing them away. but why ? and how can i stop ? its like the girl hannah in thirteen reasons why. she pushed everyone away too, everyone who cared, like clay. except, yaknow, i didnt make out with anyone lol. but idk, i just feel like i can relate to her so well. which is totally not a good thing becuhs she killed herself ! i'm scared D: like seriously. the more i think about it, the worse it gets. somebody help me D: but no, therapy wont help lol. seriously, i think i know myself well enough to know that therapy will do me no good. itll just piss me off more :D
whatevs. hung out with my mei today :) TALKED ABOUT BOYS, AS USUAL. BAHAHAH
as you can tell, i'm doing A LITTLE better. dude. basketball practice today. i'm proud of myself cuhs i did well :) i made 9 points ! :D yeah, thats more than i ever made before cuhs i suck haha. but yeah.
AND THEN. vbs was just whatevers. BUT THEN. we went to kingswood for hot pot after ! haha it was so good. but my stomach kinda hurts right now cuhs i ate too much and i have practice tomorrow morning, and a wedding rehearsal..then i have to buy shoes and do my nails, WHICH TAKES FOREVER. then vbs and MORE FOOD after. fatterness, here i come !
gnights, y'all
love, lyd <3
whatevs. hung out with my mei today :) TALKED ABOUT BOYS, AS USUAL. BAHAHAH
as you can tell, i'm doing A LITTLE better. dude. basketball practice today. i'm proud of myself cuhs i did well :) i made 9 points ! :D yeah, thats more than i ever made before cuhs i suck haha. but yeah.
AND THEN. vbs was just whatevers. BUT THEN. we went to kingswood for hot pot after ! haha it was so good. but my stomach kinda hurts right now cuhs i ate too much and i have practice tomorrow morning, and a wedding rehearsal..then i have to buy shoes and do my nails, WHICH TAKES FOREVER. then vbs and MORE FOOD after. fatterness, here i come !
gnights, y'all
love, lyd <3
Thursday, June 24, 2010
lyfe.
basketball. i tried to quit. but bobby says he doesnt want me to quit. so i didnt quit..yet. coach carr says all the juniors have to try out for varsity, but i dont want to be on varsity. i'd rather be with bobby. most people hate him, but he's my favorite. i wonder if he knows.
vbs. i know its wrong to feel this way, but i dont wanna go anymore. i'm so caught up with the rest of my life, i cant concentrate. i never get enough sleep in the first place, and on top of that, basketball makes me so tired. my time to prepare is my time on the car. i always say the wrong things, my class hates me. and the teachers give me this look, like, wtf did you really just do that ?! i'm horrible. i cried today becuhs of them. thanks guys.
and i'm starting to cry right now.
missions trip. there are so many people. so many schedules to work around. people leaving the country like next week, people with basketball practice, people who are busy one day with someone else busy the next. so i sent out this email with a proposed schedule that seemed to work for me. cuhs everyone else, the supposed "leaders" were not doing anything. they would all say, "we'll let you know when its gonna be". and when are you gonna let us know ? i figured, i'm in everything, and my schedule's the one everyone has to work around, so why not have me make a schedule that works for me, and ask if everyones okay with it ? since the leaders arent taking the initiative, nothings ever gonna get done. by the time they get it out, its too late. so why dont i just do it now ? so i did it. i sent out a schedule, and my response is that i'm disrespectful. for not asking the leaders first. all i was doing was gathering info. trying to see if my schedule worked. if my schedule did not work, fine, that's okay. its just that it seemed as though it would work, and there pretty much was no other way. and if i had just asked the leaders, there would be this long tedious process in which they disagree with me becuhs they think they're better than me and that they're right and i'm wrong when in fact, i'm pretty much right. i'm sorry, i'm just bitter right now. i'm not saying i'm better than them. i'm just saying i do not believe i was wrong in doing what i did. my father, one of the leaders, gave me permission to send out the email. so i did it. and everyone who's replied so far is fine with it. there. problem solved. you're welcome.
wedding. i'm honored to be a part of it. thank you for wanting me to be a part of it. but with dorothy all up in my grill about looking pretty and matching, i really dont want to do it anymore. after all, we're only candle lighters. i honestly dont think we have to match. i dont need makeup. i can do my own hair. i can do my own nails. i can buy my own shoes. and i dont have to look like you. plus, its time out of my life in which i would have had time for a meeting for the missions trip. i'm sorry, livy. its just that, in my life, you chose a bad time. but thank you. once again, i'm honored. i'm just a little stressed out is all. in fact, i'm a lot stressed out.
hangouts. yeah i've been planning hangouts amongst all of this chaos. i have no time to study or prepare for anything. but i need some fun in my life yaknow ? or else i'm gonna end up doing something i'm gonna regret. but its so hard, with everything else going on. i miss being at home doing nothing.
i know, i know, i complain too much. yeah i know, its all my fault, i brought this upon myself. i've been told countless times. well i dont really care, okay ? this blog is where i vent, regardless of whether people read it or not. my many months of not being on tumblr has made it weird to be on tumblr. so i post here.
my brother's not helping. he's so selfish with his time. never wants to give me a ride to anywhere. becuhs he didnt wanna give me a ride at 4 today, i had the worst day in the whole wide world. i dont feel like going into details. i understand that he has his own life and that no one would wanna give me rides as much as he actually gives me rides. but still. what are you gonna do ? yeah, sometimes you go out. like..once in a blue moon. what do you do the other days ? sleep in until 2-3pm and play online games or with your ds until 2am. you're just too lazy and annoyed to give me rides. but whatever, thanks for the rides youve given me.
so i'm currently reading this book. its not jane eyre cuhs my brother wont let me buy it cuhs he claims he has it, he just cant find it. but he wont let me buy it cuhs he doesnt wanna waste money. how do you expect me to finish by the end of summer ?! -_- whatever. so i'm reading this book. its about suicide. i'm not reading it cuhs i'm considering suicide or anything, just that i bought it a while ago and i never read it so i'm reading it now. funny thing is, i feel like i can relate to the girl who committed suicide. isnt that hilarious ? the book is called thirteen reasons why by jay asher. thirteen reasons why she killed herself. on the car on the way home i was thinking, i'd have a lot more than thirteen reasons. but dont flip out, i wont kill myself. the books lying open on my pillow right now. i stopped reading becuhs i wanted to blog. when i talk to people, they dont know whats going on inside my head. how much i want someone to understand me, what i'm going through. they think i'm just talking about my life, simple as that, nothing deeper. its okay, i understand, everyone's mostly concerned about their own lives, or they just werent raised to notice when someone feels the way i do. i've been depressed for a while now. years, actually. i really dont think i'm gonna commit suicide or anything. but..the girl in the book kept telling herself she didnt want to either. reading a book about suicide is totally not what i should be doing right now. cuhs if i wasnt reading it, i dont think i'd be having these thoughts. or at least, not like this. this is scary. just like that spider on carol's bed today. but all she did was laugh when i screamed. and katie said she'd do the same. people who dont have arachnophobia dont understand someone who does. all they do is laugh, and wonder why we're so scared. answer is, i dont know why, i just am. so stop laughing at me, cuhs i'm sure you're scared of something too. nobody's fearless.
i think i'm crazy. jussayin'. i'm gonna stop blogging now. i might go read or something. i'm hoping to see my mei tomorrow. and it was nice seeing kevin today, just wish he were happier. miss youu <3
- lyd
vbs. i know its wrong to feel this way, but i dont wanna go anymore. i'm so caught up with the rest of my life, i cant concentrate. i never get enough sleep in the first place, and on top of that, basketball makes me so tired. my time to prepare is my time on the car. i always say the wrong things, my class hates me. and the teachers give me this look, like, wtf did you really just do that ?! i'm horrible. i cried today becuhs of them. thanks guys.
and i'm starting to cry right now.
missions trip. there are so many people. so many schedules to work around. people leaving the country like next week, people with basketball practice, people who are busy one day with someone else busy the next. so i sent out this email with a proposed schedule that seemed to work for me. cuhs everyone else, the supposed "leaders" were not doing anything. they would all say, "we'll let you know when its gonna be". and when are you gonna let us know ? i figured, i'm in everything, and my schedule's the one everyone has to work around, so why not have me make a schedule that works for me, and ask if everyones okay with it ? since the leaders arent taking the initiative, nothings ever gonna get done. by the time they get it out, its too late. so why dont i just do it now ? so i did it. i sent out a schedule, and my response is that i'm disrespectful. for not asking the leaders first. all i was doing was gathering info. trying to see if my schedule worked. if my schedule did not work, fine, that's okay. its just that it seemed as though it would work, and there pretty much was no other way. and if i had just asked the leaders, there would be this long tedious process in which they disagree with me becuhs they think they're better than me and that they're right and i'm wrong when in fact, i'm pretty much right. i'm sorry, i'm just bitter right now. i'm not saying i'm better than them. i'm just saying i do not believe i was wrong in doing what i did. my father, one of the leaders, gave me permission to send out the email. so i did it. and everyone who's replied so far is fine with it. there. problem solved. you're welcome.
wedding. i'm honored to be a part of it. thank you for wanting me to be a part of it. but with dorothy all up in my grill about looking pretty and matching, i really dont want to do it anymore. after all, we're only candle lighters. i honestly dont think we have to match. i dont need makeup. i can do my own hair. i can do my own nails. i can buy my own shoes. and i dont have to look like you. plus, its time out of my life in which i would have had time for a meeting for the missions trip. i'm sorry, livy. its just that, in my life, you chose a bad time. but thank you. once again, i'm honored. i'm just a little stressed out is all. in fact, i'm a lot stressed out.
hangouts. yeah i've been planning hangouts amongst all of this chaos. i have no time to study or prepare for anything. but i need some fun in my life yaknow ? or else i'm gonna end up doing something i'm gonna regret. but its so hard, with everything else going on. i miss being at home doing nothing.
i know, i know, i complain too much. yeah i know, its all my fault, i brought this upon myself. i've been told countless times. well i dont really care, okay ? this blog is where i vent, regardless of whether people read it or not. my many months of not being on tumblr has made it weird to be on tumblr. so i post here.
my brother's not helping. he's so selfish with his time. never wants to give me a ride to anywhere. becuhs he didnt wanna give me a ride at 4 today, i had the worst day in the whole wide world. i dont feel like going into details. i understand that he has his own life and that no one would wanna give me rides as much as he actually gives me rides. but still. what are you gonna do ? yeah, sometimes you go out. like..once in a blue moon. what do you do the other days ? sleep in until 2-3pm and play online games or with your ds until 2am. you're just too lazy and annoyed to give me rides. but whatever, thanks for the rides youve given me.
so i'm currently reading this book. its not jane eyre cuhs my brother wont let me buy it cuhs he claims he has it, he just cant find it. but he wont let me buy it cuhs he doesnt wanna waste money. how do you expect me to finish by the end of summer ?! -_- whatever. so i'm reading this book. its about suicide. i'm not reading it cuhs i'm considering suicide or anything, just that i bought it a while ago and i never read it so i'm reading it now. funny thing is, i feel like i can relate to the girl who committed suicide. isnt that hilarious ? the book is called thirteen reasons why by jay asher. thirteen reasons why she killed herself. on the car on the way home i was thinking, i'd have a lot more than thirteen reasons. but dont flip out, i wont kill myself. the books lying open on my pillow right now. i stopped reading becuhs i wanted to blog. when i talk to people, they dont know whats going on inside my head. how much i want someone to understand me, what i'm going through. they think i'm just talking about my life, simple as that, nothing deeper. its okay, i understand, everyone's mostly concerned about their own lives, or they just werent raised to notice when someone feels the way i do. i've been depressed for a while now. years, actually. i really dont think i'm gonna commit suicide or anything. but..the girl in the book kept telling herself she didnt want to either. reading a book about suicide is totally not what i should be doing right now. cuhs if i wasnt reading it, i dont think i'd be having these thoughts. or at least, not like this. this is scary. just like that spider on carol's bed today. but all she did was laugh when i screamed. and katie said she'd do the same. people who dont have arachnophobia dont understand someone who does. all they do is laugh, and wonder why we're so scared. answer is, i dont know why, i just am. so stop laughing at me, cuhs i'm sure you're scared of something too. nobody's fearless.
i think i'm crazy. jussayin'. i'm gonna stop blogging now. i might go read or something. i'm hoping to see my mei tomorrow. and it was nice seeing kevin today, just wish he were happier. miss youu <3
- lyd
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
:/
so i looked through my blogspot and my tumblr, looking for the post that said i don't see you as a bestfriend anymore. the only one i could find was the one entitled "you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone." i'm not sure if that was the one you were talking about, but i couldn't find anything else. even though it only says "it gives me this little funny feeling inside becuhs i’m afraid of not being bestfriends anymore." in that one. i do recall saying it more like "i'm not sure if i can call you my bestfriend anymore" or something in the like, but i can't find it.
i never denied that i said it, but thing is, okay it happened. now what ? not being best friends doesn't mean we can't be friends. i can understand why its hard for you to take me back. but a true friend, no matter what a b**** i was, would take me back. jussayin'
i'm sorry.
i never denied that i said it, but thing is, okay it happened. now what ? not being best friends doesn't mean we can't be friends. i can understand why its hard for you to take me back. but a true friend, no matter what a b**** i was, would take me back. jussayin'
i'm sorry.
i was looking through my tumblr today
and i found the blog you posted for my birthday. in it it said, "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LYDIA" and i started wondering if you could still say the same today. and then i saw : "When you love someone you are with them through the thick and thin, the good and the bad." and we're not really talking anymore. which makes me all the more confused, all the more unsure whether or not you love me, whether or not you'll ever love me again. imy
Saturday, April 17, 2010
omg
i guess i wasn't really thinking, this is what i get for being so open -_-
so recently my aim status has said "why do i keep coming back to you" or something like that, and i'm pretty sure everyone thought it was youknowwho. LOL i realize i haven't mentioned his name when i'm talking about this kinda stuff hahah. okay i'm gonna call him bob. so everyone who saw my status prolly thought it was bob. today gladiator imed me about it and we started talking about things between bob and me. but thing is, my status wasn't about bob, it was about gladiator -_- all these five years+, i keep coming back to him. it's been on & off for years, and i feel it coming once again. i thought it might be over cuhs of bob or something, but idkkkk i'm so confused ! i still like bob nd all, but gladiators just messing this up for me. and i'm pretty sure if bob saw the status he would assume its about him. wonder if he saw it.. :/
peace out, kids
love, lyd :) <3
p.s. today was a good day ! :) thanks allen for the radisrad poster <3 & thanks chan for some soul sister fun after school hehehe. && basketball practice was fun today :D time for homework over the weekend -_-
p.s.s. his name isn't bob. LOL
so recently my aim status has said "why do i keep coming back to you" or something like that, and i'm pretty sure everyone thought it was youknowwho. LOL i realize i haven't mentioned his name when i'm talking about this kinda stuff hahah. okay i'm gonna call him bob. so everyone who saw my status prolly thought it was bob. today gladiator imed me about it and we started talking about things between bob and me. but thing is, my status wasn't about bob, it was about gladiator -_- all these five years+, i keep coming back to him. it's been on & off for years, and i feel it coming once again. i thought it might be over cuhs of bob or something, but idkkkk i'm so confused ! i still like bob nd all, but gladiators just messing this up for me. and i'm pretty sure if bob saw the status he would assume its about him. wonder if he saw it.. :/
peace out, kids
love, lyd :) <3
p.s. today was a good day ! :) thanks allen for the radisrad poster <3 & thanks chan for some soul sister fun after school hehehe. && basketball practice was fun today :D time for homework over the weekend -_-
p.s.s. his name isn't bob. LOL
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
it's time
as i said to someone last night, "i've 'unconsciously' made you a part of every aspect of my life". 'unconsciously' as ms. kuo would use it :) i now realize what a big mistake i've made in doing so. i've been trying too hard to hold on to you "as a friend", when even trying to stay just good friends is a bit too much. i gotta admit, you're still my perfect guy ; seems as if everything about you is everything i want. but i can see that you obviously don't want me, so i guess it's time i backed off. why we can't be friends, that i'll never understand. but if it's what you want i'm willing to walk out of your life. besides, i'm better than this ; i don't need to chase after a guy who's only gonna treat me like crap and hurt me the way you do. as my friend said, you "sound like a douche", and i completely agree. i mean, you're actually not a douche, but you are to me lol, so i guess it's time i said goodbye. i don't need a man in my life to make me happy, something i've realized and forgotten countless times in the sixteen years of my lifetime. if you don't want me for who i am, then screw you :) i'll find that special someone somewhere someday, and i know that i don't need you now, no matter just how perfect you might be for me, or not LOL. peace out, homedawg. hopefully we can still be friends in the future.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
& you. i just don't know what to say to / about you anymore. is it really over ? cuhs it sure seems like it..
chreeeeeeestopheryu. hi :) good to see you again ! LOLOLL but i hope "see you next year" is just in case i don't see you before next year's tennis game -_- LOL btw, i hate you for beating us.
chreeeeeeestopheryu. hi :) good to see you again ! LOLOLL but i hope "see you next year" is just in case i don't see you before next year's tennis game -_- LOL btw, i hate you for beating us.
"don't worry about it"
how can i not worry about it, when things abruptly changed one day, and i have no idea why ? is it just me, am i overthinking it all, or is what i'm feeling all really not a lie ? i'm tired of having to deal with this, cuhs you're one of the best guy friends i've ever had. i wanna go back to what it was like before you knew anything. i'm getting over you, maybe that'll help. but i just really don't know what to do about it anymore. we need to talk.
& you. i thought we were friends. why are you fucking doing this to me ?! you should know how i feel. either you're just freakin' dumbshit or you don't give a fuck. ugh, idk what i'm supposed to do.
how can i not worry about it, when things abruptly changed one day, and i have no idea why ? is it just me, am i overthinking it all, or is what i'm feeling all really not a lie ? i'm tired of having to deal with this, cuhs you're one of the best guy friends i've ever had. i wanna go back to what it was like before you knew anything. i'm getting over you, maybe that'll help. but i just really don't know what to do about it anymore. we need to talk.
& you. i thought we were friends. why are you fucking doing this to me ?! you should know how i feel. either you're just freakin' dumbshit or you don't give a fuck. ugh, idk what i'm supposed to do.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
ugh
my day started out a little off, but it was fine. then i got annoyed. then things got better. i made some pretty bad decisions today. but i had fun at the hospital. after that, i guess things started going downhill. & now i'm in a bad mood. fml.
being at the hospital was the best part of my day. how ironic -_-
feel better, kevin <3
being at the hospital was the best part of my day. how ironic -_-
feel better, kevin <3
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
where are things going with us ? after more than 3 years of being bestfriends, is this really all falling apart ? for real this time ? whatever happened to BFFLTD, and everything else that went with it ?
i'm tired of not talking to you. but it's just so freakin' awkward and when i wanna talk, idk what to say. you leave without giving me a chance to talk to you. are you trying to get me to try harder ? or are you finally through with dealing with a girl like me ? i'm sorry i'm so selfish, but idk what else to say. is it that you're done with me, and you're glad that we're not talking ? becuhs i can't tell whether you want me back or not. just want you to know that i miss you. & i guess that's it for now.
i'm tired of not talking to you. but it's just so freakin' awkward and when i wanna talk, idk what to say. you leave without giving me a chance to talk to you. are you trying to get me to try harder ? or are you finally through with dealing with a girl like me ? i'm sorry i'm so selfish, but idk what else to say. is it that you're done with me, and you're glad that we're not talking ? becuhs i can't tell whether you want me back or not. just want you to know that i miss you. & i guess that's it for now.
longest post in a while.
i thought you'd be here for me.
last time when i told you that i had no one to talk to about my problems, no one to tell everything to, you said that i could talk to you. but like i've said so many times before, actions speak louder than words. you tell people that i'm a good friend. but what i see from you is different. how am i supposed to know that you actually care about me when all i see is ignorance and insensitivity ? when you're always talking to everyone else around you except for me. all i want is to be your friend, i'm not hoping for anything more. but it's so hard to talk to you like a friend when i know that you don't see me as just a regular friend, when i know that you see me as "the girl who likes you" or something in the like. how am i supposed to talk to you about my problems when it seems to me like you don't really care ? you seem to enjoy talking to everyone, everyone except for me. & yet you're going around telling people that i'm a good friend. doesn't seem like you really feel that way..
i'm not quite sure what i want right now, cuhs what i really want deep inside is impossible. but my whole life is falling apart..again. and i just wanna talk to you. i wanna be able to tell you things that i can't tell anyone else, i wanna be able to go to you for advice knowing that you care. i'm tired of going around seeing you do the things you do cuhs it's really bugging the heck outta me. i guess the simplest solution is to just pull myself away from you, but i'm really not willing to. you're a great friend, and i mean that. but only when you treat me as just a friend. cuhs that's all i want it to be, nothing more, nothing less. i don't wanna lose you as a friend, and that's why i don't wanna stop talking to you. but trying to keep up this friendship is killing me, becuhs i can't tell if it's working. sometimes i'd just like to know what's going on inside your head. i'd like you to tell me how you feel sometimes. i feel like you're constantly lying to me. when i call you a liar, i guess i'm half joking. but deep down, i really feel like you're always lying to me. you keep everything from me, yeah, that's what someone does for a good friend right..idk. i guess it's just that you say things, and then you do different. it's hard for me to trust you now, even though you were one of the few people that i actually trusted. so i guess that's one down. ariel's really all i have. i guess you can say i've lost mariel. i'm no longer close to dabbie. brian isn't exactly what i need. ever since we started hanging out, i was hoping you'd be someone i could get close to, as a friend. but instead you got closer to everyone but me. so quickly. and here i am, waiting, and not getting what i'm waiting for. where is this all going ? i have no idea, but it's freaking pissing me off.
i'm really tired of lying to you. but you're not someone i can talk to about what's really wrong. cuhs i'm not sure if you'd understand, and i'm not sure how you'd react. every time you ask me, my real answer is "you". but i can't say that to you, can i ? yeah, my whole life is falling apart, along with everything in it. but it would at least be a bit better if things were better with you. i'm sick of this pain.
tired of trying so hard and getting absolutely nothing out of it. every high ends with a really low low. i thought my heart was broken enough in september 2008. but i guess it wasn't over then, and this organ in my body is just gonna keep deteriorating until i find the one that's right for me. yeah, i just wanna be friends, but it doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. and when the feelings are there but you keep hurting me, my heart still continues to crack. but i don't feel like my feelings should change anything between us. if we really were good friends, it shouldn't matter. i don't really know what i'm getting at anymore. i just want things between us to be good again.
last time when i told you that i had no one to talk to about my problems, no one to tell everything to, you said that i could talk to you. but like i've said so many times before, actions speak louder than words. you tell people that i'm a good friend. but what i see from you is different. how am i supposed to know that you actually care about me when all i see is ignorance and insensitivity ? when you're always talking to everyone else around you except for me. all i want is to be your friend, i'm not hoping for anything more. but it's so hard to talk to you like a friend when i know that you don't see me as just a regular friend, when i know that you see me as "the girl who likes you" or something in the like. how am i supposed to talk to you about my problems when it seems to me like you don't really care ? you seem to enjoy talking to everyone, everyone except for me. & yet you're going around telling people that i'm a good friend. doesn't seem like you really feel that way..
i'm not quite sure what i want right now, cuhs what i really want deep inside is impossible. but my whole life is falling apart..again. and i just wanna talk to you. i wanna be able to tell you things that i can't tell anyone else, i wanna be able to go to you for advice knowing that you care. i'm tired of going around seeing you do the things you do cuhs it's really bugging the heck outta me. i guess the simplest solution is to just pull myself away from you, but i'm really not willing to. you're a great friend, and i mean that. but only when you treat me as just a friend. cuhs that's all i want it to be, nothing more, nothing less. i don't wanna lose you as a friend, and that's why i don't wanna stop talking to you. but trying to keep up this friendship is killing me, becuhs i can't tell if it's working. sometimes i'd just like to know what's going on inside your head. i'd like you to tell me how you feel sometimes. i feel like you're constantly lying to me. when i call you a liar, i guess i'm half joking. but deep down, i really feel like you're always lying to me. you keep everything from me, yeah, that's what someone does for a good friend right..idk. i guess it's just that you say things, and then you do different. it's hard for me to trust you now, even though you were one of the few people that i actually trusted. so i guess that's one down. ariel's really all i have. i guess you can say i've lost mariel. i'm no longer close to dabbie. brian isn't exactly what i need. ever since we started hanging out, i was hoping you'd be someone i could get close to, as a friend. but instead you got closer to everyone but me. so quickly. and here i am, waiting, and not getting what i'm waiting for. where is this all going ? i have no idea, but it's freaking pissing me off.
i'm really tired of lying to you. but you're not someone i can talk to about what's really wrong. cuhs i'm not sure if you'd understand, and i'm not sure how you'd react. every time you ask me, my real answer is "you". but i can't say that to you, can i ? yeah, my whole life is falling apart, along with everything in it. but it would at least be a bit better if things were better with you. i'm sick of this pain.
tired of trying so hard and getting absolutely nothing out of it. every high ends with a really low low. i thought my heart was broken enough in september 2008. but i guess it wasn't over then, and this organ in my body is just gonna keep deteriorating until i find the one that's right for me. yeah, i just wanna be friends, but it doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. and when the feelings are there but you keep hurting me, my heart still continues to crack. but i don't feel like my feelings should change anything between us. if we really were good friends, it shouldn't matter. i don't really know what i'm getting at anymore. i just want things between us to be good again.
have i lost my passion ?
have i lost my passion, my passion to sing
what is this feeling, what is this thing
i don't know where, i don't know why it's gone
its dying out, i thought it was a never ending song
oh please come back, i dearly miss you
without my passion, i don't know what to do
i miss the sound of melodies ringing in my ears
the feel of singing through smiles and through tears
this fear of losing it is so abrupt
but i'm not planning to give it up
i'll be singing til my life is over
i won't even stop if i find a three-leaf clover
...
LOL
LOL this is a pretty bad poem -_-
but i miss singing, i miss ALWAYS singing. i don't do it often anymore :(
what is this feeling, what is this thing
i don't know where, i don't know why it's gone
its dying out, i thought it was a never ending song
oh please come back, i dearly miss you
without my passion, i don't know what to do
i miss the sound of melodies ringing in my ears
the feel of singing through smiles and through tears
this fear of losing it is so abrupt
but i'm not planning to give it up
i'll be singing til my life is over
i won't even stop if i find a three-leaf clover
...
LOL
LOL this is a pretty bad poem -_-
but i miss singing, i miss ALWAYS singing. i don't do it often anymore :(
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
hey you
today was, i think, probably, the first time in about a year and a half. i liked it. i mean, it was a little weird at first, but i'm glad i did it. i'm glad it turned out the way it did. idk why or how, but it came so naturally, like we'd never had the problem of not being able to talk to each other. and when i left, you looked me in the eyes, and you waved. i can't recall how long its been since i looked you in the eyes. since either of us COULD look each other in the eyes. but today it happened, and i'm sure as heck glad it did. idk where things will go from here, maybe we'll end up being friends again. hope so :)
and you. every day i want to try. but i always end up not trying. i'm scared of what you're going to say, i'm scared that you really are mad at me, that you're gonna yell at me, and that i'll stand there with nothing to say. i feel like what i feel is exactly what you don't want to hear. but i can't lie to you, i've never been able to. it's been so long, i don't understand why this is happening now. i thought we could look past all of our problems and still be there for each other, always. but i guess it's different this time. idk what's gonna happen, but i hope things work out for the best. i don't hang out with him becuhs i want him. i hang out with him becuhs he's a great friend, and a great guy. i don't wanna be anything more than friends, i just like spending time with him cuhs he's cool, he's fun, and to me he seems to be pretty carefree. i treat him as just a friend, whether or not he can tell. he's not the only reason i hang out with them, if you're thinking he is. jen's over there too, and danny's just so freaking hilarious, i gotta admit. whether i like him or not is besides the point in this situation right now, so i guess you have the wrong idea about it all. i'm sick of all the drama between us this year, i guess it was time for a getaway. i keep making excuses, but i know i can't run away forever. so what am i going to do ? i really don't know. but as of now, i just wanna be friends. just..friends. idk if we'll make it past everything life's throwing at us with the title "bestfriends". so much for bffltd ? i'm sorry.
imy.
peace outt
love, lyd <3
and you. every day i want to try. but i always end up not trying. i'm scared of what you're going to say, i'm scared that you really are mad at me, that you're gonna yell at me, and that i'll stand there with nothing to say. i feel like what i feel is exactly what you don't want to hear. but i can't lie to you, i've never been able to. it's been so long, i don't understand why this is happening now. i thought we could look past all of our problems and still be there for each other, always. but i guess it's different this time. idk what's gonna happen, but i hope things work out for the best. i don't hang out with him becuhs i want him. i hang out with him becuhs he's a great friend, and a great guy. i don't wanna be anything more than friends, i just like spending time with him cuhs he's cool, he's fun, and to me he seems to be pretty carefree. i treat him as just a friend, whether or not he can tell. he's not the only reason i hang out with them, if you're thinking he is. jen's over there too, and danny's just so freaking hilarious, i gotta admit. whether i like him or not is besides the point in this situation right now, so i guess you have the wrong idea about it all. i'm sick of all the drama between us this year, i guess it was time for a getaway. i keep making excuses, but i know i can't run away forever. so what am i going to do ? i really don't know. but as of now, i just wanna be friends. just..friends. idk if we'll make it past everything life's throwing at us with the title "bestfriends". so much for bffltd ? i'm sorry.
imy.
peace outt
love, lyd <3
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
;alkdfj;laskdjf
一个人都没有
我的生活为什么那么惨 ：/你知道吗，我真得很喜欢你。喜欢你很久了。可是我觉得我真得受不了了，我知道我们永远都会这样。你永远会对我这样，对他们那样。你永远都不会喜欢我。那我为什么一直要有这样的感觉呢？我大概应该不在喜欢你了吧。我真不知道我该怎么办。我一直在希望你能喜欢我，不敢不再喜欢你了。但是我知道这个不是事实，你不会喜欢我的。我为什么要那么嫉妒？为什么不能就不管？我真的不知道我现在到底要干嘛。。
我的生活为什么那么惨 ：/你知道吗，我真得很喜欢你。喜欢你很久了。可是我觉得我真得受不了了，我知道我们永远都会这样。你永远会对我这样，对他们那样。你永远都不会喜欢我。那我为什么一直要有这样的感觉呢？我大概应该不在喜欢你了吧。我真不知道我该怎么办。我一直在希望你能喜欢我，不敢不再喜欢你了。但是我知道这个不是事实，你不会喜欢我的。我为什么要那么嫉妒？为什么不能就不管？我真的不知道我现在到底要干嘛。。
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
i realize that
it's when i'm sitting here in front of the computer reading your blogspot that i realize just how long it's been and just how much you've changed and just how much i freakin' miss you.
btw, this isn't to anyone you think it is. LOL
btw, this isn't to anyone you think it is. LOL
drama
i despise it. can't stand it, i've had way too much of it.
but it just keeps coming back.
you, you're like one of my best friends. i tell you almost everything, except the little things that a girl like you just shouldn't know. but sometimes, the things you do really bug. i'm already in enough of a dilemma without you in it, but you're just making it worse, when you were the one person i'd go to when i needed help with this very same dilemma. i went to you time and time again until you yourself became the very problem that i now have to deal with without you. it's probably just the way you are and you can't help it, but i just can't help but feel the way i do about it. i don't wanna have to feel fake around you, but right now i feel like i have to. i know that the next time we're alone with time to talk, i'll probably end up talking to you about it. but i also know that all you'll do is defend yourself and say that i'm thinking too much, again. i don't know what to think anymore. cuhs i really don't feel that i'm wrong. like seriously, if someone else were in my shoes, they'd feel the same way too. now i'm head over heels in like with this guy and because of it, i can't feel the same about one of my best friends. i hate when things like this happen. i know that i shouldn't be blaming you, that i should find my own flaws. but i really can't think of any for this, except maybe that i'm thinking too much, which i probably am, but i'd still feel the same if i weren't thinking too much. girl, why you gotta be like this :/
knew from the start it'd be a bad week.
but it just keeps coming back.
you, you're like one of my best friends. i tell you almost everything, except the little things that a girl like you just shouldn't know. but sometimes, the things you do really bug. i'm already in enough of a dilemma without you in it, but you're just making it worse, when you were the one person i'd go to when i needed help with this very same dilemma. i went to you time and time again until you yourself became the very problem that i now have to deal with without you. it's probably just the way you are and you can't help it, but i just can't help but feel the way i do about it. i don't wanna have to feel fake around you, but right now i feel like i have to. i know that the next time we're alone with time to talk, i'll probably end up talking to you about it. but i also know that all you'll do is defend yourself and say that i'm thinking too much, again. i don't know what to think anymore. cuhs i really don't feel that i'm wrong. like seriously, if someone else were in my shoes, they'd feel the same way too. now i'm head over heels in like with this guy and because of it, i can't feel the same about one of my best friends. i hate when things like this happen. i know that i shouldn't be blaming you, that i should find my own flaws. but i really can't think of any for this, except maybe that i'm thinking too much, which i probably am, but i'd still feel the same if i weren't thinking too much. girl, why you gotta be like this :/
knew from the start it'd be a bad week.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
laughs
"Always have enough strength to continue laughing"
- brucemonster's buddy info
"A laugh a day may help keep death further away"
- usatoday.com
"A positive link has been found between laughter and a healthy function of blood vessels with laughter causing such tissues that form using the inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate or expand such to increase blood flow."
- LOL wikipedia
laughs are a very special thing. some people don't do it enough. but nobody does it too much. you can never be too happy. but you can be too unhappy. i feel i have become the latter. it's time i return to my original state of happiness. my life = the pursuit of happyness :)
- brucemonster's buddy info
"A laugh a day may help keep death further away"
- usatoday.com
"A positive link has been found between laughter and a healthy function of blood vessels with laughter causing such tissues that form using the inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate or expand such to increase blood flow."
- LOL wikipedia
laughs are a very special thing. some people don't do it enough. but nobody does it too much. you can never be too happy. but you can be too unhappy. i feel i have become the latter. it's time i return to my original state of happiness. my life = the pursuit of happyness :)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
oh my goodness
why does my dad always have to put me in a bad mood
WTF -_-
wow i seriously just wanna ALSURF;LIEKFASKLDFJ. fml
i just wanna run away..
don't cuss, lyd. don't cuss.
WTF -_-
wow i seriously just wanna ALSURF;LIEKFASKLDFJ. fml
i just wanna run away..
don't cuss, lyd. don't cuss.
you've been here for me, since the beginning of time
you gave me all i have, like my talent to rhyme
you're always here for me, you listen to my every word
every prayer that i've uttered, i have no doubt that you've heard
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
you've searched me, Lord, you know me, you know everything i do
no matter where i go i know i'll never hide from you
you keep me on your path, and you lead me in your ways
it's only 'cause of you that i don't always go astray
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
you keep me from my worries and bring joy to every day
you clothe me and you feed me, so i know i'll be okay
you sacrificed so much just so we didn't have to leave
every little thing you've done has made the ones like me believe
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
what can i say that i do to repay for all you've done
how can i ever give back for all the pains of your great Son
i keep trying to fit in with this world i know you hate
all this sin of being lazy, like how i procrastinate
i keep choosing the wrong thing when i know inside what's right
when have i ever tried hard to be the salt, to be the light
i'm not the person that i thought i was, but i know that i'm your child
for you're here, always forgiving, making sure that i'm not wild
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
you gave me all i have, like my talent to rhyme
you're always here for me, you listen to my every word
every prayer that i've uttered, i have no doubt that you've heard
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
you've searched me, Lord, you know me, you know everything i do
no matter where i go i know i'll never hide from you
you keep me on your path, and you lead me in your ways
it's only 'cause of you that i don't always go astray
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
you keep me from my worries and bring joy to every day
you clothe me and you feed me, so i know i'll be okay
you sacrificed so much just so we didn't have to leave
every little thing you've done has made the ones like me believe
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
what can i say that i do to repay for all you've done
how can i ever give back for all the pains of your great Son
i keep trying to fit in with this world i know you hate
all this sin of being lazy, like how i procrastinate
i keep choosing the wrong thing when i know inside what's right
when have i ever tried hard to be the salt, to be the light
i'm not the person that i thought i was, but i know that i'm your child
for you're here, always forgiving, making sure that i'm not wild
and as the years have flown on by and every promise you've kept true
i've only done you wrong, my apologies to you
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
wtf
we sucked today. won 59-45 but still, against nogales ?! we could've done better.
fuck this, i've had a bad day.
fuck this, i've had a bad day.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
it's been a whileeeee.
but i told myself i'd stay off of tumblr. so here i am, staying off of tumblr.
just wanted to blog about the game yesterdeeee @ west covina
made another 3-pointer :) tried twice, succeeded once. but that's okay, at least the first one was close ! got WAY more rebounds than i usually do. blocked a pass cuhs coach told me not to let number 24 touch the ball :D LOL idkk i thought i didn't do too badly. btw, my 3 pointer was our last shot :) actually, i think it was the last shot of the game. SO COOL :D LOL JK :) but yeeeeah we won 44-22 in the end.
practice today was aiight. i didn't do so well, coach seemed mad at me. but i hope it's just cuhs of lack of sleep and that i'll make up for the sleep tonight or something..
aaaaand game tomorrow @ nogales ! i hope i play :)
TOODLES
- lyd <3
just wanted to blog about the game yesterdeeee @ west covina
made another 3-pointer :) tried twice, succeeded once. but that's okay, at least the first one was close ! got WAY more rebounds than i usually do. blocked a pass cuhs coach told me not to let number 24 touch the ball :D LOL idkk i thought i didn't do too badly. btw, my 3 pointer was our last shot :) actually, i think it was the last shot of the game. SO COOL :D LOL JK :) but yeeeeah we won 44-22 in the end.
practice today was aiight. i didn't do so well, coach seemed mad at me. but i hope it's just cuhs of lack of sleep and that i'll make up for the sleep tonight or something..
aaaaand game tomorrow @ nogales ! i hope i play :)
TOODLES
- lyd <3
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